Can we talk about Phantasialand for a moment? The teaser trailer for Taron, the new coaster for Phantasialand's newest themed land Klugheim, dropped this week and I am now officially losing my mind. It's everything a teaser trailer should be, a taster of what is to come and the right dose of epic soundtrack and hint of theme and tone to leave me gagging for more. It has cashed in on the current Medieval-mania brought on by the popularity of hit HBO show Game of Thrones and brings its own unique dash of Phantasialand magic to make it fit perfectly with the park's branding of mystery and adventure. 


So what is Taron then? As deduced from the trailer, the coaster will be Europe's fastest multi-launch coaster to be constructed by Intamin. I'm a bit of Intamin to fangirl, I've never had issues with the usual complaints about the company (calculated is is too layouts, painful restraints, etc) and my favourite coaster Skyrush is one of theirs but I can not help feel slightly disappointed that Phantasialand didn't invest in the similar coaster built by Mack. Having ridden Helix at Liseberg last year and being blown away by it I would LOVE to see what Phantasialand could do if they got their hands on one of these and can easily imagine how this coaster could be constructed as part dark-ride (as is proposed for Taron). It seems weird to me did the park would go back to a company that caused them so much hassle with their previous large investment ride - water ride Chiapas. But either way, I'm excited as hell for this attraction and will be on the first low-cost Ryanair flight to Cologne-Bonn to ride the thing. 

Which brings me to the point of this post, did something has been a bit of a bee in my bonnet for a while now. Why do we, as enthusiasts, get so excited about projects like Taron at Phantasialand and share little to none of the same enthusiasm for projects going on in our own back gardens. I was a full-blown coaster nerd all through the construction of The Smiler, The Swarm, even as far back as Saw, and gave me goosebumps NOTHING like that trailer just did. But why? Are these coasters not good attractions? I know many will disagree with me but I did think as far as coasters go the three aforementioned are at the very least, in the good-great tape. So why is it that when each was announced, my reaction was either complete disinterest, or the following, which is really interesting to me. It was a reaction of 'I do not wanna get excited by this because I know I'll be disappointed.' And that is so sad. 



Parks like Phantasialand are rare, I'll give you that. Very rarely is a park so unique and quirky with their rides and very rarely does a park appear to take gambles with their attractions being a little on the wrong side of normal. But I suppose this is what excites me so about a new attraction for Phantasialand - it could literally be anything . I always feel like Phantasialand's attractions are all normal rides ... except for this one thing it does differently. I'm not going to divulge in any examples here in case I spoil it for anyone but I think those of us who have visited the park can all agree at least one attraction there caught us off guard, and therefore left us with a smile on our faces. I think the only UK attraction to do that for me is Thirteen, and I still to this day enjoy taking people on it for the first time to watch their reactions to it.  



And therein lies the value of the quirky, the weird and the unexpected. You can give me the world's first, the world's biggest, the world's fastest any day and brag about it no end, but unfortunately in all your gloating you've gone and simultaneously given the game away and raised my expectations so high that no attraction in the world is going to meet them. I know that the times I've had most fun in parks usually surround 'I was not expecting THAT' moments, where everyone just sits grinning at each other and laughing in disbelief at how much whatever it what caught us off guard. And 'that' in turn helps make a park a more memorable place and somewhere I'd want to visit again and again, bringing new people with me to share their 'WTF just happened?' moments, a trick I feel many parks could learn from.

Having returned from yet another visit to my favourite theme park in the world, Phantasialand, I am once again reeling at the near perfection of the place. In a world where a lot of theme parks are derivative and either stacked with IP or take 'inspiration' from one another, every time I leave I am blown away at just how special and unique Phantasialand is. The place oozes originality and works to inspire awe from every facet, from immersive hotel experiences to coasters that are equal parts thrilling and themed - it really does have it all. 

Or does it? Often I am blinkered by my fangirl goggles when it comes to Phantasialand. Having visited the park consistently for coming on fifteen years now I've watched the very fabric of the landscape change and grow with investment after investment of world-beating new attractions. Which means that whilst a lot of the park is nigh on perfection, it's also had the adverse effect of really casting a spotlight on the areas that need bringing in line with the rest of the place. Here's five things I'd change about Phantasialand. 

And to caveat, this is naive, uneducated, blue sky thinking, unhindered by the realities of planning permission, aggy locals, parks budgets and timelines etc. Join me as a I dream, for just a sec. 

OK let's start off big. With eight coasters of varying size and variety, I do think that actually, the park's coaster offering is solid. It doesn't feel like it's lacking anything in that department, with everything from great family coasters to intense, excellently themed thrill coasters, it's 10/10 no notes. But the dark ride line-up is a different story. 

Don't get me wrong, I adore Maus au Chocolat and its quaint whimsy, and Geister Rikchsa's unhinged popping animatronics and non-sensical narrative, but the park is missing something we've seen very much on the rise in other parks and that is a thrill-lead dark ride. But I'm not talking something heavily screen-based like something you'd find in Universal Orlando - but something with more animatronics and gorgeous set dressing and theming. The park used to be wall-to-wall animatronic-laden dark ride and show experiences, so it's very much in their bones to be able to deliver something like that and I feel like it would round off the attraction line-up to near perfection. 

I very recently tweeted that I hope the park never touch Wuze Town, and by that I mean the essence of Wuze Town. That sensation you get just by being in there that feels like waking up from a dream you can only half remember. I have no idea how they've managed to capture that, but they have and it's special so we can leave that well alone. 

But, being in there I feel like there's things we could do to elevate it. To further perfect something that's already close to it. I'm talking closing off some of the more open areas, replacing some of the tatty and sun-washed fabrics, adding animatronics and moving parts. Something I've praised lands like Rookburgh and Klugheim for is the way the theming feels like the lands are lived in, which subsequently leaves us guests feeling like players in an RPG. Phantasialand don't tell us the story, they simply give us the landscape and let us have our own adventure. That's half-way there in Wuze Town but they really upped their game with more recent additions and I feel like some of those learnings need to be leant to bringing this liminal fantasy land in line with the rest of the park. 

I know, collectively we all agree that the main entrance of the park is wildly at odds with the thematic aesthetic of the inside of Phantasialand. I also know we all know the park are incredibly limited for space in the immediate area for parking and the like. So my suggestion is bulldoze the whole thing as it is. Rebuild the main entrance into something worthy of calling itself the gateway to the best themed park in the world rather than somewhere that feels like a teenager is going to push his mixtape on me. Create something the House of the Five Senses would be jealous of. 

And, instead of having car parks on site, have a park and ride system somewhere nearby instead. Build a big ol' ugly mega multi-story car park in the nearby area and run cool themed busses to and from this to protect that bubble of immersion. Honestly, exiting the fantastical worlds within the park gates to immediately be hit with ugly urban 70s style architecture is a jolting slap to the face and not fair to the experiences the park has to offer, especially if you're not luckly enough to extend your stay at one of the Resort hotels. 

As previously mentioned, Phantasialand has a historical love story with animatronic laden dioramas and fairytale scenes, and over the years as bigger and better ideas have come along those have now largely disappeared from the park. I know Efteling is only down the road and they're arguably the best in the business at the whole fairytale forest thing, but given Phantasialand's experience with the artform and their now serious wealth of knowledge with developing their own themed worlds and stories, I think they could give them a serious run for their money. 

As much as I adore the park, given the limited space to work with, every inch of the park is wall to wall packed with incredible theming, kinetic energy, gorgeous soundtracks and the sound of guests enjoying the whole thing. What it lacks is respite from that - somewhere to just take a beat and recover from the overwhelming awe of the place and I feel a revived Marchenwald in the modern Phantasialand style would be the perfect remedy to balance this. 

And finally, the merch. My god the merch is, for lack of a better word, appalling. As mentioned, I've been visiting the park for almost fifteen years at this point, and I kid you not they're still selling a lot of the same things they were back when I first darkened their doorway. It's just...crap. It's nonsensical. It's tat nobody in their right mind would want - obsessed with dragon characters in a way that the rest of the park doesn't seem to be. It needs a serious overhaul - gotta throw the whole Haus of Dragons away and start from scratch. As much as I love laughing at how crap it is, I would love to spend more money with the park on things I'd actually like as mementos of my visits to my favourite park in the world and I know I'm not alone in this. 

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So, what do you think of my ideas? Anything else you'd suggest? Anything I've suggested that you disagree with? Let me know in the comments, I'd love to have a chat!

Talk later xoxo,

Day two and after an epic 12 hour sleep I was feeling slightly more human. As this trip was booked on the fly we checked into a cheap and cheerful hotel on an industrial estate about ten minutes round the corner. It did the job, but definitely in the future will always look at staying at Hotel Matamba, purely for the Taron ERT. It's a necessity to me now. We did head to the Zambesi buffet which I highly recommend but honestly we were too knackered to enjoy it properly as we'd have liked to, which was a bit of a shame but something to learn from for next time!

Off the back of how successful my How To Book A Cheap Disneyland Paris Getaway post was, I thought I'd make a bit of a series of it covering different European parks. To keep things consistent and fair I've come up with a few conditions for these travel plans. Every guide will:

- Include an overnight stay at a decent hotel
- Cover at least one day park entry
- Be as close to £100 as possible
- Be based on two sharing

Considering us enthusiasts have an absolute boner for Phantasialand I figured I'd tick this park off of the list first! Here we go:


Although you COULD drive or get the train to Phantasialand if you really wanted to, by far the smartest and easiest way to get there is to fly. The park is reachable from a couple of different airports, but for the sake of this guide we're going to fly into Cologne (CGN). You can fly here with Ryanair from Stansted and the flight times are perfect for a trip like this (flights leave Stansted at 07:40AM, arriving at 10:05AM then flights leave at 21:50 the following day from CGN).

Of course mid-week will always be the cheapest option here, and a quick look on SkyScanner is currently showing £25 return at the time of writing this when travelling on most weekdays in May - perfect timing to visit a theme park!

On top of that, you'll need to get from the airport to the park. Here you have two options. Firstly, hire a car. Car hire in Germany isn't the cheapest in Europe by any means, and a two day car hire mid-week for this trip will set you back £63, or £31.50pp. Alternatively you can get the train from the airport into Brühl and jump on the Phantasialand shuttle bus for around £14 each way, totally at £28. Honestly if you can I'd recommend hiring a car. It's less faff, and if there's 3 or 4 of you it's way cheaper than public transport. But for the sake of basing this on two sharing, public transport is our cheapest option here.

Travel: £53


As much as I adore Hotel Matamba, it can push things a little more to the pricey end, and we're here to keep things cheap! As always I'll recommend using Booking.com. I love the book now, pay later option to make things even more affordable and I often find you can use the park name in the location search. I have a few rules for booking hotels: they must have a rating of at least 8, they must have a private bathroom and they must have parking.

Using that criteria there are plenty of hotels in the area that are suitable! The cheapest at the time of writing this is the Zimmer Müller coming in at a tidy £47 for the room. It's no Hotel Matamba, but let's face it you're only going to be laying your head here between park days. Based on two sharing that's £23.50 each. Bargain!

Hotel: £23.50


Unlike our parks here in the UK, European parks tend to have less 2-4-1 style offers floating around, and often the best price you'll get is buy saving a few quid by booking online before you visit. Unless it's your birthday (in which case I believe you go free to Phantasialand?), you're looking at roughly £40 a day for a park ticket.

That said, the park do have a few offers currently available including free entry to visit again if you visit in April 2017, or alternatively you could look at upgrading to an Adventure Pass if you think you'll benefit. On top of that, passholders also get 3 free Quick Passes AND free ice cream every time you visit. How fab is that? But again, for the purpose of this, we'll take the cheapest option.

Tickets: £40

So let's add that up:

Travel: £53
Hotel: £23.50
Tickets: £40
Total: £116.50

£116.50 to visit one of the world's best theme parks? I'll take that! Obviously if you go with a group of four that brings your car hire down by half again and brings you in at the under £100 mark which is obscene. Have fun riding Taron!

Like I need a reason to revisit Phantasialand? My fav park in the entire world, this was the day of the trip I was most eager about. After chilling in the fabulous Hotel Matamba, stuffing our faces at the Zambezi Restaurant buffet and sipping down some cocktails, we entered the park bright eyed and bushy tailed and sauntered over towards one of the most hotly anticipated coasters of the 2016 season. And by this I mean we ran like idiots, only to be faced with a queue and the realisation that the new land wasn't open for another hour. Shit.

Oh well, at least we were first in line for the epicness of Taron that would await us and it meant loads of time for a photoshoot. Porn, all of it. Drink it in.







Watching the beast test and warm up, weaving intricately through the detailed rockwork theming as the sunlight broke crisply through the mist was, well, epic. The stuff one can only dream of as an enthusiast and here we were soaking it all in. The anticipation was almost torturous, like getting a dance at a strip club. Look but don't touch. Just when we thought we couldn't bear it anymore the rope dropped and we stampeded towards the station, stopping briefly along the way to take some more snaps.

Being some of the first to ride that day, we opted for a ride towards the back first, knowing we'd have plenty of time for rerides later that night. Honestly, first impressions before the coaster had really warmed up were a bit...meh. Yes, it looks epic. Yes, the launches and near misses are cool as fuck. But this time of day there was a ton of dead space,  and we all exited muttering that it'd be much better once the sun went down. But now we had the cred, breathed a sigh of relief and joined the queue for the second of many unbelievable rides at the best theme park in the world.








And that's the thing about Phantasialand - everything is good. I mean everything. They're slowly trimming the fat and replacing the older, crappier attractions with brand spanking new out of this world ones, further solidifying its spot as number one for me. Every ride takes the normal notion of what that ride would usually do and completely twists it on its head, meaning unexpected and hilarious moments are around every corner (bonus fire, 'bouncy' coaster track and unexpected elevator lift hills in the last place you'd expect are just a few of what's on offer). And there's just as much pleasure re-riding with people who've never been before and just watching them react to the sheer nonsense happening around them. There's no place like it in the world.

Luckily, staying in the resort Hotel Matamba meant not only would we benefit from some evening ERT in Klugheim, but we also received two fast passes each. The park wasn't rammed, but these definitely helped take the edge off of what otherwise would have been an extremely stressful day trying to cram in all of the good stuff (re everything).

If there's one downside to this park it's that is easily has the potential to be very overwhelming. Crammed into the tightest of spaces and sunken down a level or two, Phantasialand is the embodiment of immersive theming in that it actual towers in over and around you and really wraps you up in your surroundings. There's a real sense of discovery and exploration, but with that a slight sense of crowdedness once the park reaches its peak times. Despite this, the atmosphere is always electric and there's always that sense that just about anything might happen. Also there's shit loads of churros everywhere so it smells incredible pretty much 100% of the time.










As I mentioned, to top off our day of epicness on park as hotel guests we benefitted from evening ERT in the epic Klugheim area, and it was now that we'd really get a taste of what Taron could do.

Klugheim is the newest themed area of Phantasialand, and easily my favourite themed land in the entire world. In their effort to bring the rest of the park up to scratch with the top quality on offer across the rest of the resort, Phantasialand said goodbye to the dusty old Wild Western themed land and set about creating what is probably their most intricately themed and immersive land to date.

Klugheim is a modern take on a medieval village. Think Game of Thrones with a fantastical and mysterious edge and less violent death. You can really feel the magic in the air, and with Taron surrounding you and whizzing around at every angle there's a real sense of threat. Like a medieval village plagued by some kind of mythological beast, Taron dominates the atmosphere and never lets us forget its presence.







And lets not forget that Taron isn't the only new attraction in this land. Raik, a family Vekoma boomerang, somehow also exists in this claustrophobic and multi-layered environment, snaking in and out of the rockwork, village buildings and entwining itself with its more dominant sibling. Raik is fun and easily the best of the three of this coaster type I've ridden. Small touches like changes in lighting when the train zooms through the station or realistic smoke pouring out of the train itself raise what could easily be a mediocre ride to an excellent family experience.



Suffice to say Taron is an entirely different beast after dark. For my second ride I rode in the back again, so that I could more easily compare to my earlier ride. This absolutely took my breath away. Not only is the landscaping and near misses stunningly lit and realised at night, the sense of speed is heightened and therefore the way the train navigates the track and takes on the elements feels completely out of control and wild. Probably the most thrilling experience of my life.

There really is nothing like the sense of speed created by Taron at night. The airtime is extreme, forceful and exhilarating and had me grabbing for the restraints every time no matter how hard I tried to keep my hands in the air. The transitions are crisp and precise, tightly maneuvering the jagged rocks and sporadic chimneys and buildings. The environment flies by at such speed and the direction changes with such ferocity that the sense of madness is real and totally thrilling. Every time we pulled into the station I was ready for another go. I rerode until the ERT was over and even then I still wasn't satisfied. A truly incredible, full package coaster that will be put up on a pedestal of what makes a great ride for years to come.




Sadly, it was time to leave Klugheim and Taron behind and make our way towards another European great in Efteling.